Chapter Text
The room was dark and silent but for Ari's slow, steady breaths. Logan laid next to her, studying her sleeping form. She wore nothing but moonlight and a pair of pink underwear, her hair spilling over the pillow. It was too hot for clothes, she'd said before falling asleep.
She'd stolen the spare pillows, one pushed under her swollen belly, another between her knees. She was all luscious curves and breasts this far along in her pregnancy. He knew she felt awkward and uncomfortable, but he thought she'd never looked more beautiful.
Logan longed to touch her, to trace the lines of her body with his hands and mouth. He always wanted her. It was a constant craving that was never satisfied, and he hoped it never would be. But she slept so poorly these days… He couldn't wake her just for his own selfish needs.
He slipped out of bed as he had done every night these past few weeks. He pulled on a pair of loose trousers and padded across the room to check the windows. They were both locked, of course. He'd closed them himself before turning in for the night.
Logan made his way downstairs. Through the kitchen to the living room, he carefully pushed open Andy's door. The boy was sprawled across his bed, all arms and legs. He'd be 13 soon, and he'd had a growth spurt recently that had left him as lanky as a newborn colt. He came up to Ari's nose now, much to her chagrin; she'd be looking up at the boy by next season.
He ran a gentle hand through Andy's hair, a fierce pride settling in his chest. He'd been taking him along with him out on the trail during the warmer months, just like his own Pa had done with him. Andy handled himself well too, like he'd been born to it. He was proud of the boy, and proud to call him son.
Satisfied, he made his way out of the small bedroom, closing the door softly behind him. He checked the front windows and the front door as he made his way across the room. Finally, he stood in the newly finished nursery.
Mi-an had done a beautiful job with the extension. He'd pretty much had to threaten to tie Ari to a chair in order to let the other builder work though. 7 months gone, couldn't even see her own feet, and his wife had insisted she could do the job herself. She'd been spitting mad, but he'd held firm.
Logan sat in the new rocking chair, like he had done last night and the night before, and gazed at the crib for a long time. Fang said the baby could arrive any day now, and the thought filled him with so many emotions. He wasn't just happy, he was buzzing with excitement. So much so that he'd had to stop taking bounties; he just couldn't focus and that was a sure fire way to get hurt.
There was also an underlying fear. Fear that he wouldn't be able to be what his baby girl or boy needed. Fear that he wouldn't be able to protect them if it ever came to that. Fear that he couldn't be a good father.
“You're already a good father,” Ari had told him gently when he'd confessed his worries to her. “You have been a father for years.” He supposed that was true, but when he was alone with his thoughts, those concerns resurfaced. He wondered if every man felt this way when fatherhood waited just around the corner.
The thought had barely formed when he got to his feet and made his way to the front door. He pulled on his boots, grabbed a jacket and his key and went out into the night. He locked the door behind him and set out across the yard.
The moon was high, and the air cool. It was quiet, the only sounds being the occasional cricket song or the soft lo of a yakmel. The Blue Moon sign gleamed like a beacon in the night, but all the windows were dark. So far as he could tell, he was the only person awake in town.
His long stride ate up the road, and it wasn't long until the gate to the graveyard stood before him. He crept in, like the bandit he'd once pretended to be, slipping through the grave stones like a shadow. Finally, his father's stone was at his feet.
Logan reached out, dusting off the bit of sand that had accumulated on it. Bending, he traced a finger along the letters.
Howlett.
He sank to the ground, crossing his legs beneath him. His throat felt tight, as it usually did when he visited his Pa's grave. He hadn't been here when they'd buried him, and he'd never forgiven himself for that.
“Hey Pa,” he said quietly. “I know, you're prolly wonderin’ what I'm doin’ here in the middle of the night. Not entirely sure, truth be told.” Logan sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. He had so much on his mind right now, and he didn’t know how to put it into words.
“You're gonna be a grandpa again, didja know that? Can you imagine? Ari an’ I, we're havin’ a baby, an’ soon too! I - I wish ya could be here to meet ‘em,” he added, taking a deep breath. “Feelin’ pretty nervous now that it’s gettin’ close. Did you feel like that? When ya knew I was comin’? I suppose it's natural...”
“To be honest, I don't rightly know if I'm ready.” He snorted lightly. “Yeah, yeah, I know it's too late to worry about that now…” He cleared his throat, the rough sound loud in his ears. “I jus’ - I’m afraid Pa. What if - what if I can’t handle it?”
Logan was suddenly overcome, his emotions threatening to choke him. “What if I’m jus’ like Ma after all? I ran when you died Pa. I thought it was my fault and I still ran. Like a damn coward.”
His voice broke, tears coming to his eyes. Growing up, all he’d ever wanted was to make his father proud of him, and when Howlett had needed him the most, he’d messed everything up. It had been years, but thinking about that night was still like a knife to the heart. Of course he was aware that if he’d stayed, he’d probably be in prison right now - Pen and Matilda would’ve seen to it - and Sandrock would have been lost. Even knowing the truth, he’d blamed himself for so long, the guilt was imprinted on him just like any other scar.
“I know you’d prolly tell me that it was all jus’ water under a bridge. I reckon all I can do is try. Ain’t that what you told me? Ya only fail if you don’t try.”
Logan lifted his head, dashing away the tears he hadn’t been able to contain. He already knew what Ari would tell him. He’d fought for the town and it’s people, how could he think he wouldn’t fight for her or their baby? Light, he was sure he’d burn the world down if that’s what it took to keep them safe.
Maybe that was really all he needed to know?
“Do you remember that one time, when I was a kid, I asked ya, "How come you never get scared?” You told me "Well, I get scared all the time. Last week, when you lost your footing on that ledge, my heart jumped out of my chest.” I kinda feel like that right now.” Logan paused, looking up at the star lit sky. “It’s like my heart ain't in my chest no more. I - I didn't know you could love someone before ya even met ‘em. I jus’ wanna do right by ‘em. All of ‘em. Ari and Andy too.” He closed his eyes for a moment, inhaling slowly, taking in the chill night air.
“I know I say this every time, but dang, I wish you coulda met my girl Pa,” Logan continued, a smile touching his lips. “You woulda loved her, I jus’ know it.”
He sat in silence for a few minutes and then slapped his palms on his thighs lightly.
“I gotta go Pa. Don't want Ari wakin’ up to find me gone; she worries. Thanks for listenin’.” Logan got to his feet, touching the top of the gravestone once more before setting off for home.
When he climbed back into bed a short while later, Ari stirred, reaching out in her sleep to rest a hand on him. Feeling lighter than he had in weeks, he snuggled up close to his wife, sleep finding him in moments.
