Naomi Campbell thinks child-free women are bound to change theirmind. But she hasn’t met me.
The 54-year-old supermodel announced the birth of her second child via surrogacy last year. But in a new interview published earlier in June, Campbell turned proselytizer, suggesting that women who opt out of having children willeventually change their minds. Despite claiming to understand the “tough” economic situation facing today’s global citizens, Campbell doubled down on her theory that young women will want motherhood — even if they currently do not, and even if they can’t afford it.
Campbell doubled down on her theory that young women will want motherhood — even if they currently do not, and even if they can’t afford it.
Campbell is not the only woman making loud proclamations this month about what women really want. Anastasia BergandRachel Wiseman, authors of the forthcoming book “What Are Children For? On Ambivalence and Choice,” offered a similarly head-scratching take on the “liberals and progressives” who (they claim) view children as “an afterthought.” Writing in The New York Times, they said that “having children remains the most basic and accessible way for most of us to affirm the value of our lives and that of others.”
The subtext of such a perspective would suggest that a child’s main purpose is to make their parents feel valuable. But I’ve been through enough therapy to know that children born with the job of validating their parents’ choices become adults who wind up in therapy. No child should be born assigned with a job.
It’s great that Campbell, Berg and Wiseman all feel so secure in their motherhood. But their assurances that child-free women are lying to themselves do not seriously grapple with reality. Nor do these women discuss the personal experiences that would lead them to claim so much certitude. Was Campbell proudly child-free until she wasn’t? It’s anyone’s guess, although I do hope she knows that motherhood encompasses far more than showing up to a child’s “first day of school.” Did the Times authors always have their sights set on motherhood, come hell or high water? Who knows.
What I do know is a lot about the reasons why people eschew parenthood —because they have told us. And they do not deserve to be so casually second-guessed. Reasons range from financial stress to general lack of interest in the endeavor. According to a2021 Pew Research Center survey, 44% of nonparents younger than 50 say it’s unlikely they will have children, and of those, 56% say it’s simply because they don’t want them. A more recent piece in Psychology Today echoes this sentiment: No desire to have kids is listed as the first reason why child-free people decide against parenthood.
A 2022 Brookings Institution analysis points to our country’s lack of infrastructure and the resources required “to adequately support parenthood,” citing the fact that children now cost more than a quarter of a million dollars to raise to the age of 17 — a figure that does not include college expenses. In the U.S., paid leave is still not a guarantee, and child care costs are incredibly high: In some states, monthly child care costs are now approaching rent prices. (We can assume Naomi Campbell does not need to worry about surging child care costs.)
These reasons are valid. They are deeply personal. And they are far too diverse to be dismissed. I am 43 years old and decided in my early 30s that motherhood was not for me. When I think back to how I ultimately made that decision, socioeconomics had very little to do with it, nor did my own personal career success — two of the main reasons women opt out of having children today. Having grown up in a home defined by intergenerational mental illness and substance abuse, I never had a healthy model of what motherhood — or parenthood more generally — was supposed to look like. My earliest experiences in an unstable home came to define my choice to invest my life and heart into other endeavors. It is offensive that child-free women continue to be patronized over their reproductive choices.
But unlike, perhaps, the stereotypical perception of child-free individuals, I take babies, children and parenthood very seriously. It is because of my conviction that parents and families are the single most important aspect of a child’s early development that opting out of motherhood was the wisest and kindest choice I could have made for myself. I could not bear the thought of an innocent baby being born into a family legacy in which the adults turn on each other like zombies before eating their young.
While I may not have had children of my own, I have found myself engaged in countless acts of mothering as a parent-adjacent educator.
And while I may not have had children of my own, I have found myself engaged in countless acts of mothering as a parent-adjacent educator. My thousands of students across the last two decades have often felt like my children. I’ve supported their fundraisers, listened to their problems, offered advice, celebrated their wins and occasionally provided meals when I sensed that it was needed. My career as an educator allows me to play a key role in shaping students’ minds in ways that are unique to the teacher-student dynamic. For me, there is no joy greater than watching students learn, and I have found immense purpose in my career. It baffles me that there continues to exist a large population of people who would insist on interpreting my life as incomplete.
When my debut children’s book hit shelves last year, I heard from readers across the world (including parents) who were touched by the story of a child with severe orthodontic, family and socioeconomic difficulties. I could not have imagined the emails I’d receive from children who, because of my words, felt seen for the first time. With this work, I’ve been able to impact scores of children I will never meet. Sorry to Anastasia BergandRachel Wiseman, but for me, there is nothing more life-affirming.
I will never want children. My spouse and I are firm on this score. All of the money and access to resources in the world would not change my mind. Nor do I feel the need to give birth as a means to “affirm the value” of my life. Does a more sexist construct exist? The data suggests that many people, and especially women, feel as I do. According to 2020 data from the CDC’s National Center for Health Statistics, more and more women have been opting out of motherhood for the last decade. And, despite Campbell’s ideas about the fickle child-free female mind, I do not mourn my decision. I have never once yearned for something else. And it would be nice if my fellow women could just accept that. After all, they have children of their own to worry about.
Christina Wyman is a USA Today bestselling author and teacher living in Michigan.Her debut novel, “Jawbreaker,” aPublishers Weekly Best Books of 2023, is a middle-grade book that follows a seventh-grader with a craniofacial anomaly that’s caught the attention of school bullies — including her own sister.Her forthcoming middle-grade novel, “Slouch,” will be available for sale in the fall of 2024.
